I'm scared

On courage and being open to life

Step 1. Know yourself.
Step 2. Know what you want.
Step 3. Live in alignment with 1 and 2.

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This morning my partner found a grey hair in my head.

In fact, it was two grey hairs.

As you can probably tell — I wasn’t thrilled about it.

I don’t think negatively of anyone that has grey hairs. I always speak encouragingly to friends and family that start finding their own greys.

But, lately, the finiteness of life has been very much on my mind. So, this morning as I peacefully laid in bed, those two grey hairs became a very visceral reminder of this.

Ever since I learned about the top 5 regrets of the dying, they’ve been a guiding compass in my life. So much so that they have informed the core of my More Mindful Life philosophy and book that I am in the very beginning stages of writing.

I’m trying Ryan Holiday’s method of index cards.

The top regret is “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

If that doesn’t immediately strike you, sit with it for a moment and really absorb the words.

I’ve always been someone that has turned to the oldest things for wisdom — nature, writers from centuries ago, ancient cultures and tribes, and the those that have lived a life and have the ability to tell us their experience of it.

There’s a deep truth that comes from the wisdom of experience and the timelessness of it still standing true so many years later.

The top 5 regrets are no exception.

So, what went through my head as I stared at my newly found grey hair?

Oh god. I really am getting older. My youthfulness is finite and I’m approaching my mid-30s which is nearly 40. And then before I know it, I’ll be 80. Am I living my life in a way that I won’t regret when I’m 80? No, not really. I’m still fearful of sharing my thoughts and feelings and acting from that place. I don’t want to regret not expressing myself.

Exhale.

Step 1. Know yourself.
Step 2. Know what you want.
Step 3. Live in alignment with 1 and 2.

I know myself pretty well. Therapists always tell me “you have a lot of self-awareness”. (Though, I’m never sure if that’s just something they say to all their clients or if it’s code for “you think a lot”). I’ve worked for myself for 6 years which, if you’ve not ever done so, is literally a forced fast track to overcoming your own BS. I’ve also journalled for nearly 9 years which has taught me immensely about myself.

For this point of my life, I know what I want. I want to share what I believe in with others and try my best to have a positive impact in peoples lives. I want to live comfortably whilst also being able to save for my future. I want to live a relatively quiet life enjoying reading, creativity, nature, time with friends and family and, of course, good food.

Am I living in alignment with 1 and 2?

Well, no, not fully.

As I just mentioned, I want to share what I believe in (my More Mindful Life philosophy) and try my best to have a positive impact in peoples lives. Up until now, I’ve felt hesitant to share what feels so deeply important to me. Partly because of how important it feels. And partly because I fear sharing my vulnerability, my heart, my passion, and not having it valued or understood. But the thing with sharing your vulnerability is that some people won’t understand it. That’s to be expected and is totally ok. Only, it doesn’t always feel that way. Often it hurts. And that’s what I’m scared of.

I’m scared of the pain of rejection.

But by living from fear in this way, I’m not living in alignment with 1 and 2.

Living a life true to yourself takes courage. And I’m slowly learning that courage is not the absence of fear but acting despite the fear.

For 2026, I decided upon the word “open” to be my guiding principle:

Opening like a flower (revealing what’s inside)
Opening my heart (emotional risk and connection)
Open to new things
Open to differences
Open to discomfort
Open for business (sharing online)

Courage to me, is being open to life. Open to experiencing it all – the good, the bad and the ugly. The ups and the downs. The joy and the pain.

So, as my grey hair kindly remind me, I am not going to live forever. One day I will have a long life to reflect back on.

And for that version of me, I will do my best, today, to live a life that is true to me.

Thanks for reading.